polarizeme

I thought about posting a long, detailed blog about the happenings of this evening, but to be honest, I really don’t want to think about it any more tonight.

Instead, I’m going to recap in short:

01) handcuffed
02) placed in squad car
03) taken to small police station and held for 35 minutes
04) transported in hand and ankle cuffs to prisoner transport van
05) transported to jail
06) processed
07) placed in a jail cell for almost 4 hours, where I was blessed with a hooker solicitor in the cell to my left, and a violent, raving lunatic in the cell to my right.
08) thanked the lord that I didn’t have to spend the night in jail because someone posted bond for me.
09) realized that my bail fee is $1,000
10) started drinking heavily.

*also… I forgot to mention this:
on my way in to be processed, there was a prisoner hanging from the prison bars and masturbating for the camera.
that was, of course, loads of fun (no pun intended).*

…HAPPY FUCKING FRIDAY!!

There’s something that I think I should tell you all:
I’m not feeling very well. And I haven’t been for a while.
Something inside me has jumped the track.
I’m confused.
I’m not thinking right.
I’m not sleeping right.
And I— just don’t think I am complaining about this or asking for your help, because there’s nothing anyone can do about it.
It’s just happened and that’s all there is to it. But I don’t know what I’m going to say from one minute to the next.
I really don’t.
I don’t know what I’m going to say and I don’t know what I’m going to do.
Do you understand that? And I know this is coming at a bad time for everyone, but there’s nothing I can do about that. I’m tired and I’m- I don’t see things the way that I used to.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything. is fucking strange and it’s all completely out of control and I’m frightened.
And maybe if you all could give me some real help, you know?
That would be— and not your pity or generosity but some help;
take a look at me!

I know that I am ruining everything, but I can’t— if I don’t say this now, I may never say it.
Everything is going very fast.
It’s going very, very fast.
It’s completely out of control.
And if I don’t say it today, tomorrow may be too late.
I may be too crazy to even know how crazy I am.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what to do.

Something has happened to me and I’m very lost.
And it doesn’t stop.
It’s not getting better.
I don’t get better.
I’m not getting better.
It’s just going on and it’s going on.
And there’s nothing that I can do about it.
It’s not stopping.
It’s not stopping.

              - Billy Crudup, Waking the Dead

[ this has, for quite some time, been my favourite “speech” in a movie. ever. because it always seems to hit home very strongly; it always seems to have a relevant place in my heart, in my thoughts and in my life. these words are always almost exactly my own when I’m in a situation that warrants the use of them.
my thanks goes out to Mr. B. Nanna for reminding me that it existed. because I’ve been trying to find it again for a long, long time. ]