words shall channel through me…

over the last few months something has happened to me. internally. i’ve had revelations, I think. some of them were realizations birthed from my own actions or thoughts… others found their way into me through the actions (or lack thereof) of others; things I did or didn’t like about aspects of my life or the people in it and i just… shut off to them.

a lot of it came from romance. and what it felt like to be in love with someone for so long… to give anything for someone for so long… just to continuously have it thrown back in my face, time after time, with another (new) reason attached to it with each occurrence.
and it’s happened to me continuously since I was 18.
being taken for granted.
the best part is that in every case there was always someone that did it to them first. maybe I’m just an easy target?
I finally hit a dead end. where I was finished. I wanted to cleanse myself of all the things that made me unhappy.
and that took a lot of thinking. because… well… nothing is that black and white.

and from this, something else started boring its way into my conscience - something that may seem so trivial. countless other people in my life had always or were starting to smoke cigarettes.
and here’s where i’m a piece of shit:
it’s annoying. I don’t like being around it. I don’t like breathing it in. I don’t like the smell of their breath afterwards. I hate the taste of kissing a smoker. I hate the stink it leaves on my clothes. I hate what it does to their bodies. I don’t like it. I’ve been around it my entire life and watched it eat away at the health and finances of the people I love. I hate that people need a substance to feel “relaxed” or “calm”. it irritates me to no end that someone can say “it makes me feel relaxed when i’m stressed.” so they smoke to relax… and then have the nerve to say “i’m not addicted.”
so… the only way you can feel as relaxed as you need to be is to smoke?
how, again, is that not an addiction? addiction is, after all, defined as being something you have a physiological and/or psychological need for. a habit that’s no good for you. a habit you grow to think you need - consciously or otherwise. 
I don’t like surrounding myself with it.
and don’t get me wrong - it’s a choice. their choice. not mine. they can smoke and there’s nothing I can do about it. more importantly, there’s nothing i *should* do about it. because it’s not my decision.
however.
where’s my choice? what am I supposed to do? stop being around everyone I care about?! stop going places to have fun with them because eventually someone will smoke?
that seems a bit… much.
so i’m stuck on that one.

another thing that bothers me to no end is people being flaky. if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s the inability to commit to something that you said you would commit to. I mean, c’mon… what happened to the bond of someone’s word??
a relationship, a friendship, a marriage, dinner or movie plans - whatever. go or don’t. date someone or don’t. marry someone or don’t. but be honest. and let people know what’s going on. if you’re not in a position to do ____, then fucking DON’T DO IT. but at least have the decency to let someone know… preferably before you cause damage.
so many people bounce back and forth with things trying *not* to hurt someone, and in the end they just end up hurting them more. i’m guilty of this. I inadvertently did it to someone this past winter. and why? because someone was in the middle of doing it to me. and why? because she was in the middle of having the same thing done to her by someone. see how it works? multiple lives were fucked over because of one person’s irresponsible actions. it had its influence and absolutely took its toll. and there’s no excusing it. not on my end or anyone else’s.
and I think it just got to a point where I was god damned sick of it.

it’s frustrating. it’s immature.
and I don’t want to have to deal with these petty little things in my life anymore. I’m tired of everyone else’s actions dictating the direction of my life.
because… I’m independent, stubborn, hard-headed and I can be an over-bearing, opinionated asshole from time-to-time… but I still go out of my way to try to make other people comfortable; to make sure others are okay. is it cocky to say that? yes. and I’ll take that weight on my shoulders, too.
but I’m done going out of my way just to be trampled on and taken for granted. by friends, by lovers - by anyone.

And as much as it pains me to say this, too many people fall into that last category. and I think I just got tired of trying to be the friend of people who never seemed to want to put any effort forward unless it was convenient. I’ve dealt with that enough. with love. with friends. with my mum until quite recently. with my dad as a child. with my brothers. with dozens of other people in my life.

I’m all about forgiveness and second chances. anyone who says otherwise needn’t look any further than my love life for the last 6 years. I’ve been cheated on, thrown away, lied to, back-stabbed and used. and i gave everyone at least a 2nd chance. usually 3rd or 10th. haha.

I’d be an amazingly large hypocrite if I didn’t offer the other people in my life the same opportunity.

so.
to the people who would go so far as to say they can see me in their life for the long-haul, and know I feel the same way…
let’s be friends. for real.
and I understand that it’s real life… people have busy schedules. they can’t always see each other or do the things they want. things don’t always work out for the time being. because it’s real life. but people have feelings. they have hearts, souls, minds, lives, jobs and lovers. and should be honest with one another. because it’s real life.
I understand that we’re all learning, but that’s the point - to learn.
so let’s learn together. let’s listen to our hearts and that little thing we call a conscience.
let’s be honest and straight-forward. let’s care for each other and stop being so selfish. let’s stop lying to each other.
…because it’s real life. you only get one shot at it, so let’s get it as right as we can the first time through.

xoxo,
       - Tristan -