I can question everything, too.
The night before the funeral proved to be more full of thought than I believed possible. Sleep is already an issue for me at night, but this particular evening proved to be more overwhelming than I had previously predicted it would be. Sleep finally took the place of exhaustion around 8am and held me to it’s bosom for about an hour.
I awoke, suddenly, to a feeling of blankness; we’d soon be leaving and I still had no sense of closure. After getting ready, we proceeded out the door to Falcon Court (my uncle Justin’s home), where the funeral procession to the church was to originate from. Upon our arrival, our ears fell into the news that my great-aunt Enid had passed away this morning. I admire not my poor great-aunt Dorothy on the day when she has to mourn the passing of her two sisters.
I find it strange that after the passing of my grandfather, Derek, Nan (once she fell ill) would claim to see Derek visiting her late at night in the living room of Bangalore House. Stranger yet, is the completely unrelated claim (after the passing of Nan) by Enid that she had been visited by Nan.
Yesterday was a day of celebrating, mourning, grieving… and drinking. After a beautiful funeral and hours of reconnecting with family I haven’t seen in ages, mum and I joined Tara, James, aunt Tracy and a few of Tara’s friends at the pub across the way from Nan’s house. At one point I wandered out and made my way to the grave site of Betty Edith Giles… Nan. I stood over her in the dark of night, the feeling of regret squeezing me tighter with every failed attempt at thought or speech… until, finally, it all came out. I confessed to her all of the things that I wish she would have gotten to hear from me in life. I let her know how much she was loved by all of her children and grandchildren; that nothing she ever did for anyone was ever forgotten or under-appreciated. I whispered that I saw who she really was inside, even if she had forgotten about that person many years ago; that I understood her fright of people’s ability to use her and how, in turn, she used her money to control other people - to stay at a safe distance. I spilled out that, although the majority of the time she made you want to tear out all of your hair, I understood the path that lead her to such a place… and that it didn’t matter to me - I still loved her for the person she truly was on the inside.
I made my peace. I did in Nan’s death what I never had the opportunity to do in her life; be it out of fear, financial inability, or complete ignorance.
I’ll miss you, Nan. The waves of your actions in life will forever make ripples in the lives of generations to come.
xoxo,
- Tristan -
November 13th, 2008 at 13:51
That was beautiful.